Sunday, 20 December 2015

Ninjas Ninjas Ninjas! A Review of the Year!

My academic research into the ninja has uncovered a wealth of information this year. From this we can learn all manner of vital information about this mysterious order of assassins. One of the key things I have learnt is that any ninja movie worth their salt had an official ninja advisor on set at all times. I have been lucky enough to sit down and talk to a number of these advisors and due to the success of these meetings I can announce I am now working as the official ninja press officer (believe me, they are great at many thinks but no fuck-all about social networking). As such, this annual review does not merely provide an irrefutable academic conclusion but also a fully endorsed and 100% official representation of the ninja way.

Top Rated Ninja Movies of 2015



Each movie is given an overall score based on much in conforms to my own entirely subjective opinion as to what a ninja movie should be. Since consulting with the relevant clans this score is also attributed to the films that best represent what it means to be a ninja. This list shows all the ninja movies watched this year ranked by their ninja score.

1. The Super Ninja - 10
2. The Hunted - 9
3. Ninja Assassin - 9
4. Ultimax Force - 6.5
5. The Octagon - 6
6. Beast and the Magic Sword - 1
7. Ninja Cheerleaders - 0.23

Both The Hunted and Ninja Assassin came close to perfectly fulfilling my own very specific expectations by The Super Ninja without a doubt destroyed all competitors. Not only did it perfectly mix the extreme violence and almost supernatural abilities I enjoy so much but was described by a master, known only as 'Phantom Jaguar Blade', as "like watching a reality TV show about my friends. It was fucking mint." Hard to argue that kind of testimonial.

Top Ninja Movies Based on Actual Quality of 2015



Of course not all movies are valued based on their ninja content (I know I know, but believe it or not that is true) and so these are the same films ranked by how much I enjoyed watching them.

1. Beast and the Magic Sword
2. The Hunted
3. The Super Ninja
4. The Octagon
5. Ninja Assassin
6. Ultimax Force
7. Ninja Cheerleaders

The Beast and the Magic Sword leaps to the top by virtue of featuring a werewolf fighting a tiger, supernatural samurai and Paul Naschy. It took some time deciding the order of The Octagon, Ninja Assassin and Ultimax Force as they were all very close in terms of the experience they gave me. What we can learn from this is that Ninja Cheerleaders is horseshit no matter which way you look at it.

Top Ninja Kills of 2015



In 2015 I have seen all manner of horrible acts committed in the natural course of ninjaring. Some had it coming, some deserved better but all went down the way they would have wanted. Along with 'God Shadow Hawk' I have extrapolated these basic ninja manoeuvres and identified the movie that demonstrates them in the most instructive ways. To qualify to be an official ninja you must be able to:

Slice a head in half from ear to ear (Ninja Assasin)

Decapitate two people at once (The Super Ninja)

Somersault yourself into the way of a barrage of bullets, sacrificing yourself so that your teammates may live. Odd one to have at basic training level, but then I'm only a press officer. (Ultimax Force)

Smash a heads into a urinal (Ninja Assasin)

Explode a man with a fireball (The Super Ninja)

Cut your own face off (The Hunted)


Top Ninja Mythology of 2015


Below are the fundamental lessons about ninja mythology I learned this year. Should you engage in any ninja training you will be gifted with a scroll on which will be written the ninja code of conduct. I have it on good authority that the 2015 revision of this scroll features the following basic rules to live by:

1. Ninja masters have a somewhat autocratic management style.

2. Ninja teams carry straws of different lengths to randomly determine who leaps absurdly into the path of bullets. They call them 'sacrifice pipes'.


3. Ninjas don't care about carpets, walls or upholstery. 

4. Ninjas are impatient and not easily embarrassed. It doesn't matter if you're in the bath, on the toilet or knocking one out they ain't gonna wait.

5. Ninjas consider themselves exempt from copyright laws.

6. Ninjas run after-school clubs in questionable locations.

7. Some ninjas are just fuckwits in balaclavas.

My journey into establishing the official ninja canon has only just begun. In 2016 I will continue to study the ways of the ninja both from the masters themselves and from the movies they help make.

No comments:

Post a Comment