Thursday, 1 October 2015

F*ck Your Bad Review

What's that, you say?

You just saw a movie you didn't like?

Ok, let me dry those tears, you poor, poor soul. Yes, of course you can go and post on an IMDB comments section about how much you wish everyone involved with the film would die in a fire. That's fine. I'll wait here until you get back.

Wow, that took quite a while. I imagine you had a lot of hurt to share. Are you feeling better?

Ok, here. Have a cookie and snuggle up. I've got something to tell you.

See, the thing is, little man, it's your fault.

Not actually the movie's fault at all. You picked the wrong thing to watch. You made a bad choice. The movie can't help that. You just need to get better at picking your own entertainment.

Oh, oops, that's REALLY set you off. Jesus, you really are LOUD once you get going, aren't you? Do you want to go on the IMDB message boards again? Maybe go and yell at people on Call of Duty? No, it's alright. I'm sure nobody sees a reflection of your own inadequacies and fears when you scream those things at strangers. I'm sure everyone thinks you're a big, clever boy.

Have you calmed down again? Are we okay to talk about how you have a certain level of responsibility in terms of choosing your own entertainment? Here, have a packet of Oreos, sit down and shut the fuck up.

You see, you're ruining things for everyone. Not just with the actual whining, which we manage to tune out after a while. But there are people out there with big bags of money who make big decisions about big movies, and your constant complaining is making them risk-averse. Them being risk-averse is making our movies all look the same.

Just because you bleated and bitched about The Hunger Games having a different aesthetic to every other blockbuster, (that shaky camera style that owed a debt to indie cinema) that little trace of visual originality was snuffed from the sequels. Because God forbid a movie should look fractionally different from the others released that month. Just because you moaned about JJ Abrams actually having a favoured visual technique of his own, you got the poor sod to apologise. For being a director whose films looked slightly different to those by every other director.

Thank God the internet wasn't available to the public in Kubrick's heyday. The studios would have called him into a little glass office.

"Stan, people have been complaining on Talkbacks. Stop making everything so goddamn SYMMETRICAL, Stan. Those wide-angle lenses just have to go. Those loooong tracking shots in every movie. Look, you've seen Mork & Mindy, right? People love that. Can't you make your movies look more like that?"

There are no bad movies, only the wrong customers watching them.

So, do you promise? Do you promise to be a good boy and use that internet you love so much to do a little bit of research before you watch something? To work out whether there's a decent chance that you'll like it? To realise that just because YOU don't like something, that doesn't mean it's a failure to be eradicated?

Pretty please?

Thank you.

What's that you say? The Nightmare on Elm Street remake?

Well, yes, there is an exception to every rule, I suppose. Christ, what a godforsaken piece of shit.

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